philosophy for non-philosophers

happy saturday, everyone!

bff debbie passed this list along to me a couple of days ago. even in my flu-induced stupor, i had to smile at the humourous questions posed.

enjoy a chuckle over your morning coffee…ugh, club soda (the very thought of coffee is still très unpleasant)!

(source)

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

23. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

24. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

25. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

26. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

27. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

28. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

29. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

30. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

speaking of language, any pithy oxymorons that you can think of? quality reality tv jumps to my mind…speaking of, i’ve got this week’s jersey shore to watch this weekend!

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Comments

  • Abi  On August 21, 2011 at 12:11 am

    Also, 31. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. That’s the only appropriate one that comes to mind.

  • Abi  On August 21, 2011 at 12:10 am

    funny! I love number 1 😄

  • Lisa  On August 20, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    Ha! That’s so funny. I love stuff like that, and I always wonder who is witty enough to come up with it (I’m surely not!).

    You must really be “off” if coffee still sound yucky!

    I enjoyed 3 coffees today (1 hot and 2 iced). I never drink that much, but I was so thirsty from my 4 carloads of stuff that I moved….I just had to indulge (and pat myself on the back—it was like a justification and a reward all at once!).

    Hope you’re feeling back to normal and can enjoy your coffee tomorrow!!!

    • 1970kikiproject  On August 21, 2011 at 5:32 am

      thanks, lisa! nope – here we are at sunday morning now, and coffee is still a no go. on moving day, you deserve three coffees!! i totally agree that they are justified. best wishes as you settle in to your new place. will you see mom today?! 🙂

  • Gina Unger  On August 20, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Too funny, Cath! Got a good number of chuckles out of your post today. Jeff and I are always thinking of oxymorons and laughing about them, but none come to mind at the moment. 🙂
    Hope you’re feeling much better than days ago.

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